Growing Up, part 12

A German Youth

Grown up in Germany in the 1960s and 1970s

   As I grew older the relationship between my parents deteriorated even further. The secondary school was very close to my grandmother's house and sometimes I've visited one of my classmates who lived nearby by bike after school.
   As a truck driver my father had a rough schedule, Sunday night he sent good from his company to Hamburg; then he returned with goods from Hamburg or on the way back home. During the week he drove a 2nd time to the north to return Friday afternoon or night. My mother roughly knew his whereabouts, at that time there was no convenient cell- or smartphone. Their communication depended on the old telephone and/or telephone booth. This telephone in our family was 'holy', it was my mother's treasure. No-one beside herself was allowed to answer, call or even touch it.  
   One day, when I rode on my small motorbike to see the classmate, I discovered my father's car parking beside of a house in an alley, not far away from my grandmother's house. At that time he drove a baby blue  Ford Taunus 1976 model; until today I remember my father's license plate. There was no mistake that this was his car parking there! 

   I rode home for about 20 minutes, opened the door and my mother was sitting on her beloved sofa, knitting something while watching TV. I went inside and after a small talk I've asked her if she knew where my father is. She did not pay much attention even I've previously never asked this question before; she just answered irrelevantly "I believe somewhere near Kassel", a city halfway between Hamburg and my hometown Reutlingen. She continued her knitting and turned to the TV, her unmistakable sign to be quiet and leave the room. I was still standing there and wanted to move to the door but I've decided to sit on one of the armchairs. I've never did this so as soon as I sat down I've got her full attention. She was looking at me, trying to read something on my face until I opened my mouth "He is not in Kassel, I've seen his car parking near grandmother's house!"

In my grandmother’s house (1979)

   With these words the hell broke loose! It was not a noisy hell but a very quiet, very serious but nevertheless a very violent storm. One of the view moments in my life she was speechless. She stuttered with her fingers sinking with the knitting needles on her lap:" What did you say"? I've told her all the details including the address of the house, even drew pictured a detailed location how to walk from my grandmother's house to the house where he was.
   My mother looked for my older sister and together they walked first to my grandmother's from there they found the car and after ringing at some doors my father's girlfriend opened the door. I remember later my mother told me that he was still sleeping in her bed. For some men to have a girlfriend during a marriage might be a way to improve their self-esteem, but for a wife and the children it is a disaster. 
   Both of my sister and half-sister were working or learning in the same trucking company like my father, there have been many rumors why my father refused to have an assistant driver on long tours, that many previous co-drivers talked about several girlfriends along his tours, about selling diesel to customers out of the company's truck, about smuggling cigarettes from East Berlin through East Germany, about taking small white stimulant pills while driving etc. But there was the first clear evidence of infidelity not only towards his own wife but also his own the children right in front of them under another woman's bed sheet!
   Even somehow expected it still was a big shock for each and every one of us. The hope of a somehow reunion of my parents went up in smoke and we all realized infidelity is not only the beginning of the end but it is final! At that time I was 16 years old, I haven't finish secondary school yet, did not have a way to support myself financially so we had to deal with the facts every time I went or have been at home.
   The result was that the home become not a 'dwelling-place' but, at least for me, a place of punishment for my existence. I did not understand how a couple could become enemies under the same roof; 'sleeping with the enemy' become a whole new meaning to each and every one of us!
   My grade plummeted not too much, I've tried to be as honest as possible to my situation. I kept on reminding myself that the problems between my parents were not my fault, that the irresponsible father was not the result of me but rather the result of his own education, his childhood during the 2nd Word War and the denial of his own responsibilities. My mother's violent nature was not my fault but the result of her education, her experiences as a refugee and the refusal to see and accept the blessings in her life. 
   But for me both of my parents have one big mistake in common: they see themselves as the 'sufferers' or 'victims' not as it should be as 'committers' or 'offenders'. It is easier to live in denial than dealing with problems head-on; it needs real efforts, wisdom and time which not everyone wants to invest.
   The Bible teaches very clearly:" 24 that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 1)". The marriage of my parents was their free will, to have their children was their free will, every step of their life and each decision in their life was their own will and decision. 
   You can and should not blame God or others for your own shortcomings; a healthy adult should behave like an adult, should know that every decision has not only consequences for yourself but also for the people around you, you and only yourself (!) are responsible for your life. 

(to be continued)